Christmas Turkey with FODMAP Stuffing
Preparation time: Your whole life has been leading to this moment.
Serves: An entire family. It’s like a KFC Family Feast.
Degree of Difficulty: Easier than deactivating a Linkedin account, but harder than knowing someone who once organised a burlesque workshop for her best friend’s hen’s night.
- Preheat oven to 180 degrees celsius or fahrenheit, depending on your religious beliefs.
- Mix stuffing ingredients together in a bowl.
- Pat the turkey dry with paper towel or an old wedding dress.
- Remove the neck from the turkey.
- Place stuffing into the cavity of the turkey.
- Coat the turkey in butter.
- Tie turkey legs together with string.
- Weigh the turkey and cook for 35 minutes per 1 kg.
- Put foil over turkey legs and bake in oven.
- Baste every 25 minutes with pan juice. Remove foil from legs for final 30 minutes.
 But without the coleslaw, potato and gravy, chips and drinks. In fact it’s nothing like a KFC Family Feast. We regret writing that comment. As Cher once said while violating a cannon, “If I Could Turn Back Time I’d change that KFC reference and instead say that ‘It feeds a family of eight, but you’ll probably need to get some other people to do the sides.’”
 Honestly, if you have a fully functional stomach, there’s no need to bother with all the FODMAP business. Just use bread that’s PACKED WITH GLUTEN and onion, with all their LIFE GIVING PROPERTIES.
 We used the same orange for zesting and juicing, because that just seemed the most logical thing to do. But, hey, logic may not be your thing. Maybe you’ve got no common sense at all, like those people from Cadbury who changed the Cream Egg recipe. Seriously, those people need to die in a freezer. (If you do use the same orange for juicing and zesting remember to do the zesting before the juicing. If you juice and then zest you’ll be in a whole world of pain. Remember, you’ve got a food intolerance, your life is hard enough as it is; so, hoes before bros and zest before juice.)
 The cranberries will also sort out any stress induced urinary tract issues that may have developed in the lead up to the Christmas period.
 To be honest, we’re not sure why this ingredient is listed here. We don’t remember using it and we have no idea why anyone would want to include it. But, it’s here, and sometimes life is about taking risks and putting blind faith in recipes that are written by unstable women on the Internet. Maybe it’s included to serve as an example of why we need to stop Googling recipes and start spending money on worthy recipe books that are written by people who unsuccessfully auditioned for Masterchef in 2009.
 Again, we’re at pains to add (and legally required to state) that Massels is in no way affiliated with The Katering Show™ or The Katering Show Lifestyle Hub Page™ (NB Producers: have you registered these names as trademarks yet? You probably should because this site is going to blow up any day now. P.S. We figured out how to insert ™’s on here. How cool is it! We just want to ™ everything now. We’d trademark our asses™ if we could! It’s like that time McCartney got a labeling machine and labeled McLennan’s car with funny stickers about her shaky emotional state!)
 Try not to cry too much because the stock already has a lot of salt in it.
 Try not to vomit. The stuffing already tastes a lot like vomit so no added vomit is necessary.
 WARNING: Stuffing a turkey may require additional emotional preparation. Some people may find this task quite confronting, while others will experience feelings of deep intimacy. This normally depends on how much you were loved as a child.
 As above.
 As above the above.
 As with step 5, step 8 can be quite confronting too. But only if you had a particularly cuntish PE teacher in Year 8.
 If you, at some stage, have cocked this up then you really need to take a good, hard look at yourself. Honestly, if you can’t get a turkey right then what hope have you of being allowed to adopt a rescue dog? NONE!
Delicious Christmas Custard Liquid Sauce
Preparation time: Hard to say. Time flies when you’re having fun!
Feeds: The world. Make it a better place; for you and for me, and the entire human race.
Degree of Difficulty: Easier than trimming your toe nails without your glasses on, but much harder than discussing feminism with your father.
- 1 cup lactose-free milk
- 1 cup lactose-free cream
- 4 egg yolks
- 1 tablespoon cornflour
- 1/3 cup caster sugar
- 1tbs – 1 litre brandy
- Combine milk and cream in a small saucepan. Cook, stirring constantly, for five minutes or until hot, but do not allow to boil. Remove saucepan from heat.
- Whisk egg yolks, cornflour and sugar in a heatproof bowl until well combined. Pour hot milk mixture over egg mixture, whisking constantly.
- Return mixture to saucepan over low heat. Cook, stirring constantly, for 15 to 20 minutes or until custard thickens and is able to coat the back of a metal spoon. Do not allow custard to boil, as it may curdle.
- Add brandy.
 Apparently lactose-free products are a ‘thing’ now. Clearly black magic has triumphed over science and the cows are getting smarter than us. Beware of a Friesian with a glint in her eye – she’ll TAKE YOU DOWN.
 We used the remaining egg whites to make small kites, which we flew in the park while we had our periods.
 The amount of brandy that you add is completely up to you. See episode for specifics of this joke (It’s pretty funny and, to be honest, it would diminish our integrity to recreate it here; and, dear viewer, you deserve more than having to spend time reading second rate jokes on this free website.)
 If you don’t feel like making custard, get a guy called ‘Glen’ to do it. He did ours and he was very good. We have his details and we’re more than happy to pass them on. If you do take Glen up on his services can you please mention this referral and let him know to send the vouchers to our home addresses? OKAYTHANKSBI
CONGRATULATIONS! You’ve finished making the custard, now what do you do?
a) Share it with your family and soak up their praise and positive comments about your life choices, weight and drinking habits.
b) Hide jug of custard under your left boob; no-one is touching this stuff but YOU!
c) Take the custard into a private space and drink with straw while dancing/crying (‘crancing’) to The Dixie Chicks’ cover of “Landslide”.
Tune in next season for answers to the quiz and viewers’ prayers!