Preparation time: Fashion a jumper into a nappy, because no one’s going anywhere anytime soon.
Serves: 6 people, or 6 ski suits filled with 600 ingenious mice that are posing as people.
Degree of Difficulty: It’s probably pretty easy if you live outside Space and Time, and the normal pressures of a human bladder.
- Soak chicken bones and pig bits in cold water for 1 hour. Spend that time staring out the kitchen window at the 20-somethings next door, wondering if they notice that you’ve still got it when you shuffle out to the recycle bin at 6pm on a Friday night to dismantle an IKEA box, with one boob dangling from an old singlet.
- Rinse yourself and the chicken bones well, and place in a large stockpot with 8 litres water and 1 tbsp salt. That’s a bullshit amount of salt, but no one’s having a heart attack today, not on my watch. Not this time.
- Bring to the boil, skimming dark particles from the surface and leaving behind white particles, in a technique that seems modelled after the US justice system. Reduce heat to medium and cover. With something. I’m not going to hold your hand on this.
- Boil for 5 hours or until liquid is milky and has reduced by about three-quarters, or has created a dolphin or tickets to Gold Class or something else that’s actually good and is worth these 5 hours of your precious life.
- Cool for 30 minutes. Strain through a fine sieve lined with muslin into a large pan and discard solids. Strain both the liquid, and your enthusiasm for this neon hell of a food scheme.
- Meanwhile, preheat oven to 180°C. Rub pork with oil. Combine garlic, sesame seeds, some salt and white pepper, and bow out at this point and make cheese on toast.
Cheese On Toast
- Hot fire magic melt grease good goes in mouth-hole.
- All nations rejoice.
Ask your butcher to cut the bones in half to expose the marrow. Order the pig’s trotters from your butcher. Stop lying to yourself that you care about pig products and just ask your butcher out on a date. Behind that apron spattered with animal juice, he’s frightened of love, just like you. God knows, we’ve all been hurt by love. Cue music.
Sake, miso paste, pickled bamboo shoots and Japanese sesame oil are available from Japanese food shops or from the back of your pantry, from that time in 2007 when you got really into Japanese food and you made a soup for a dinner party and it was a terrible failure and they’ve just been sitting there for nearly a decade, behind some prehistoric water crackers, and one butter menthol adhered to a can of tomato paste.
Kombu – from Asian food shops – are dried seaweed sheets. Wipe with a damp cloth, or nervous hand, to remove excess salt or orcas.