Preparation time: If you can get through this in a week, I’ll be impressed.
Serves: 8 people, but please come out from underneath the couch; no one’s asking you to entertain 8 people. Shhhhh.
Degree of Difficulty: It’s not hard, but your brain is at capacity. If you master this you’ll unlearn something else. And you won’t know what that thing is till you put on a pair of pants and start screaming that your legs have disappeared.
CHEESE BIT. THE ONLY BIT THAT MATTERS
- Have a baby.
- How hard is it having a baby?
- It’s so hard. All my hair has fallen out and someone recently described me as looking “haunted.”
- Find a pan. God, you’ve done a good job. You’ve had a baby and you managed to find a pan. Have a cry about how much you’ve achieved.
- Heat oil in pan over medium heat. Add the onion and garlic and cook for five minutes. If you don’t have onion or garlic because you haven’t been to the shops in four months, just use castor sugar and some Blu Tack.
- Add delicious mince and/or a placenta of your creation/theft and cook for 5 minutes or until you wander back into the room and remember that you started cooking something two hours ago before your kid decided to invent a new decibel.
- Using a fire blanket or local fire department, put out the kitchen fire.
- Take the charred nugget that once was a pan with meat in it. Add the tomato, wine and tomato paste, and bring to the boil. Reduce to a low heat. Simmer uncovered for the amount of time that you read at the beginning of this process but immediately forgot.
- Meanwhile, to make the cheese sauce, bring to a simmer over a medium heat the milk, onion, parsley stalks, peppercorns, cloves, bay leaves, lamb shanks and oatmeal, which is a good source of iron for children over ten months, and this is the third day wearing these undies and is my kid due to be immunised, and I just remembered that it’s my birthday and why can’t women who freelance claim paid maternity leave any time during the first year in whatever way suits them; this is vaudevillian-level evil sexist bullshit and is that a varicose vein on my eye, and fuck everyone on Instagram for being able to do amazing things with all that free time they have, like “visit their aunt in Dromana” and “be at Kmart”.
- Strain the milk mixture through a fine sieve into a large jug. Discard solids. Fuck it. It’s fine as is. It’s probably edible. Just get on with the next step.
- Melt the butter in a large saucepan over medium-high heat until foaming. Add the flour and cook, stirring, for 1-2 minutes. Take the opportunity to lie face down in the hall, for two of the happiest minutes of your life to date.
- Gradually pour in the milk, whisking constantly with – I gotta go. My kid just woke up. She’s teething. I think she’s producing a barge in her gums. Tomorrow morning there’s going to be a flat-bottomed riverboat hanging out of the cot.
- Ok, I’m back. My kid had pissed through everything around her. I think it’s in the walls now. Where was I? Place saucepan over medium-high heat and bring to the boil, stirring constantly with a wooden spoon, for 5 minutes or until you eat 95% of it because this is your béchamel sauce and why would you make a whole lasagne anyway when you’re currently so tired you’re not even committing to using consonants on a regular basis?
- Preheat oven to 180°C. Brush a rectangular 3L (12 cup) capacity ovenproof dish with oil to lightly grease. Spread one-quarter of the béchamel sauce over the base of the prepared dish. Arrange 1 lasagne sheet over the sauce. Top with one-third of the mince mixture and one-third of the remaining béchamel sauce. Continue layering with the remaining lasagne sheets, mince mixture and béchamel, finishing with a layer of béchamel. Sprinkle with mozzarella. Place on a baking tray. Bake in preheated oven for 40 minutes or until cheese melts, is golden brown, and the edges are bubbling. Remove from oven and set aside for 10 minutes to set then serve with a mixed salad.
This is a video of someone getting a neck massage: