|Preparation time: A lifetime, for this one moment.
Serves: Just you. You are The Chosen One.
Degree of Difficulty: You will be broken. The Mac‘n’Cheese will make sure of that. But what’ll you receive in return can’t be expressed in words, or Nordic ballads.
- Learn the 78 precious arts. Have fists like flowers and legs like needles. Once your body is your instrument, journey for ten years to the Mountain. On your journey learn strength. Learn humility. Understand the deep faults that parallel your towering gifts. Once at the Mountain, defeat its Monstrous Guardian. You are now ready.
- Journey to your local Coles or IGA to buy packet Mac’n’Cheese.
- Head to the appropriate aisle and wait, eyes closed, heart open. You don’t choose Mac‘n’Cheese; Mac‘n’Cheese chooses you. But if the stars align, or there is a promotion on, the macaroni will be shaped like a film franchise, i.e. Star Wars, or the Three Colours Trilogy.
- Return to your kitchen or Recluse Cave. Ignore the instructions on the box. Hold up the box to your ear. Be silent. Be humble. Listen. The Mac‘n’Cheese will tell you your path.
- To the dehydrated cheese mix, add an amulet, haunted jade vase, or 400ml low fat milk, or whatever has been foretold by The Fates/pasta. It’s not just your duty; it’s your Destiny.
- Stir mixture over a medium heat with a knob of butter. If you can hand-rear the yak that provides the butter that would be good too.
- Serve in the skull of a Minotaur or bowl of a Kmart.
- Eat this, The One True Meal. Realise your potential. Have rockets for feet and lions for eyes.
- Your shadow looms over history, your breath makes ripples in the fabric of the cosmos. You are everything and nothing. You are Batman.
- Remember to recycle!