Paleo Bone Water
Serves: As a cold hard reminder of how little you’ve achieved as a woman, and as a spokesperson for Kurrojong Kitchen Lavosh.
Cooking Time: Too long.
Seasoning to add a hint of umami
- Put on your Official The Katering Show Apron™. This protects your body from dangerous food spills and will act as an invincibility shield when a parenting website called ‘This Shit is All On You Mum’ sends their weekly e-newsletter reminding you that your baby is three-months-old, and that you’ve had your fun, but now it’s about time you got back to hating your body again.
- Place bones in a large pot. You can use fancy bones from your butcher, like cow and sheep, or you can do what I wanted to do and use the femur of a broken down footballer who gave you the nickname ‘Brickhead’ in high school, because he thought your face looked like you’d run into a brick wall.
- Cover bones with water. We used water from a tap, but you could easily switch this for the anxiety sweat wrung from a t-shirt after you’ve spoken on a feminist panel where a women went you for not doing enough to challenge societal norms as a female comedian, even though you tried to explain that it’s hard to challenge societal norms when you regularly perform in comedy rooms that are full of people who routinely break their AVOs.
- Simmer for 4-5 hours on a low heat. Whilst this is happening you could take the time to investigate dental surgery options in Thailand. You need to do this because your family dentist told you when you were thirteen that you didn’t need braces because he thought this might make you lose all the personality from your face. But it turns out that Dr McCallum didn’t know what the living shit he was talking about, because personality means fuck all and your teeth are, in fact, a massive problem. You know they’re a problem because a director called Noel, who operates out of a shed in West Footscray, told you that you’d never get work as an actress because of the lunar eclipse-shadow your teeth cast across your mouth. This is your parents’ fault because they were too tight to pay for braces, and has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Noel was lighting his ‘film set’ with a heavy duty torch.
- Allow to cool and then scoop collagen from the top of the broth with a sieve or your hand. Place in ice-cube trays and freeze for later consumption. I have fat ankles.
- Season bone water with salt, pepper, soy sauce, and a pair of Crocs that you found in a bin or a Super Cheap Auto receipt from the floor of your car. I went to an audition once where the casting director made me wear a bag over my head.
- A lady in wardrobe working on The Secret Life of Us told me that I shouldn’t wear short skirts because I have stumpy legs.
- I used to have nice shoulders. Now I have bingo wings and it’s my own fault. I should go to Mum and Bub exercise classes in the park and use my baby as a dumbbell.
- I think my jeans have twisted my bowel.
- There’s too much skin around my chin. Is it fat or do I have a thyroid problem? I think it’s a thyroid problem.
- The publicist wants me to do my hair, but I can’t afford to pay my almost sober hairdresser $375 to do my roots and comprehensively break down my sense of self-worth for using Herbal Essence shampoo.
- A make-up artist once told me to get botox. I was 24.
- I don’t like waxing. I’ve done it three times. It hurts. I don’t like it. Please don’t make me do it again.
- Sometimes I don’t shave the backs of my legs, because, fuck it, I can’t see it.
- I’m alright.
- Serve Bone Water in a The Katering Show Official Merchandise Drink Bottle™ and consume once you’ve exhausted all the free sessions from your Mental Health Care Plan.
 Umami is a category of taste primarily referring to the flavour of glutamates and ejaculates.
 Collagen is excellent for gut function, and hair and nail growth, but can also be served as a snack at executive level team building seminars, to strengthen personal relationships.