Bubble ’n’ Tweak
Serves: You, your partner and your small child who knows nothing of the horror ahead.
Cooking Time: It’s too late. There is not time. You should have started this meal years ago.
NB: The following ingredients were leftover from episodes of The Katering Show. If you don’t have these ingredients on-hand, please substitute with leftovers from your own online cooking show.
- Chop onions and kale. 
- Grate carrots and potatoes.
- Beat eggs lightly.
- Mix ingredients together.
- Heat oil in heavy oven-proof pan, then fry mixture until golden on the bottom. 
- Put pan in warm oven for ten minutes. 
- Grate or crumble cheese over the top
- Serve with a bottle of wine.
 If you don’t have any eggs, substitute with another leftover viscous liquid, like tar.
 If you don’t have carrots, substitute for another leftover vegetable, like vegetables.
 If you don’t have potatoes, you’re fucked.
 This is a trick ingredient. There is no such thing as leftover wine.
 If you don’t have kale, congratulate yourself.
 Knicker Tip: If you start to smell like the liquid from your regrown spring onions, you definitely have a bacterial growth in your uterus and you need to get some antibiotics. Stop reading this. Go to the doctor and get that shit sorted. Love, Kate.
 If you don’t have gruyere stumps, just use a piece of dowel.
 If you don’t have any leftover oil, just use a fitball; some positive mantras; your diaphragm; or, anything you didn’t use in your birth plan.
 You can regrow lots of vegetables on your windowsill, but after a while your house will start to resemble that of a dead florist.
 I’m sorry, Dusty. I tried to compost, I really did. But I kept forgetting to empty the scrap bin and maggots started to crawl out of it and into your breakfast.
 Dusty, it’s Mum again. I’m sorry about the island in the middle of the ocean that’s made of nappies. It’s my fault. But the thing you have to understand, Dusty, is Mummy had a very successful Youtube series and she needed to go back to work five weeks after you were born. She was very tired and if she put you in the Jolly Jumper any more than she already did you wouldn’t have learn’t to walk.
 Dusty, I know I should have used my keep cup more. But sometimes I’d forget to bring it in from the car and it wouldn’t get washed and the milk would become like toxic grade waste. Sometimes I did remember to clean it, but then I’d forget to take it with me when I left the house and mum needed coffee Dust, because sometimes coffee was the only thing getting her through. That, and the idea that one day you’d grow up old enough to work a hair straightener.
 Dusty, I know we bought and threw out too much food, but the thing is, having a full fridge made Mumma feel calm because Mumma wasn’t allowed to take valium or heroin while breastfeeding.
 I forgot to tell you to turn the oven on. Sorry.
 Dusty, I went to the Great Barrier Reef when I was younger. Nanny, Aunty Jane and I spewed all the way out from the shore to the reef, the weather was overcast and Pa had a panic attack in the water, but it was still the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. There were turtles Dusty and beautiful fish and coral that looked like it wasn’t real but part of an aquatic acid trip. I should have gone to more protests. I should have ridden my bike more. I shouldn’t have bought so much shit from Ikea in my twenties. I should have tried to get that non-flushable wipe back out of the pipes. I shouldn’t have drunk those 13,764 bottles of water.
 Maybe the scientists are wrong Dust. Maybe climate change is just a conspiracy of big pharma to get us on more tranquilizers? Or perhaps climate change won’t be that bad – who likes swimming in a cold ocean anyway?
 It’s getting dark now Dusty. The end is near. I’m sorry that I spent more time making episodes and recipes about avoiding environmental cataclysm than actually avoiding environmental cataclysm. But your dad put a WHOLE yoghurt container in the bin the other day, so you know, it’s not all on me, okay?